Intersectional discrimination isn't additive. It's multiplicative. The damage done is deeper than we imagine.
I am going to call it out. It *is* ableism and homophobia. I'd go one further and throw in gender expression. How you carry yourself as a male was savaged too.
This is where the old adage, "Living well is the best revenge."
Your behavior is understandable when one has rent or a mortgage to pay, bills, food to put on the table, treats, car payments, etc. As you said, you loved the job.
Autistic Deaf social worker/psychologist Jillian Enright, founder of Neurodiversity MB, put it so well in her Medium essay, "Nobody Owes You Nice":
"Are we supposed to approach with cap in hand, like Oliver Twist, and ask 'nicely'? 'Oh, please, do stop oppressing me? I’d be ever so grateful!'"
Now I just say words like, "discrimination," "harassment," "vexatious conduct or comments," "ableism." (I was once accused on a job of ignoring someone when I did not hear them due to asymmetrical hearing loss.) Now I just say, "Your comment/behavior is unwelcome." Shuts them down real fast.
As for "tone it down" that is indirect discrimination. If a janky six-fingered plagiarism bot can understand it, HR and Legal do too. 😊 It's all part of that pattern of unwelcome comments and conduct.
Len, yes. You’re naming something here that took me longer than I’d like to admit to name for myself. “Tone it down” sounds so innocuous when you remove it from context. But when what’s being toned down is the way a queer, Deaf man moves, speaks, expresses himself, and takes up space… it stops being a neutral request pretty quickly.
And I think you’re right to add gender expression to it. Looking back, there was absolutely a very specific idea of what kind of man I was supposed to be at work, and I kept being reminded when I stepped outside it.
I’m especially glad you brought up the intersection of all of this, because that’s where next week’s essay goes. There was another experience happening at the same time that made me understand this one very differently.
Thank you for reading this so closely, Len. And for calling the thing the thing. ❤️
Wow. That’s a tough read. I know that dynamic—keep the shittiness verbal, leave the paper trail clean. It’s part of that corporate second language you mentioned. I know people who use these exact methods in my organization. They’re awful to work with/for and it’s painful to see them move into positions of authority. Not jealousy exactly, though envy might play a part. More the realization that their version of events carries more weight than yours.
Thanks for sharing your experience. Looking forward to the follow-up.
Yeah. That last part is exactly it. It’s not even just that someone can treat you badly… it’s realizing they understand the system well enough to make sure their version is the one that survives. Once you see that happening, you start second-guessing every interaction because you know the record and the reality are becoming two different things.
And I hate how many people immediately recognize this dynamic when I describe it. That might be the part that gets me most.
Thanks for reading this one, my friend. ❤️ And yeah… next week is the other half of the story.
That expression is exactly what I love most about ASL.
Same! And you have to have it to be properly understood. Which is why gatekeeping it through a lens of masculinity is so damaging on a host of levels.
Intersectional discrimination isn't additive. It's multiplicative. The damage done is deeper than we imagine.
I am going to call it out. It *is* ableism and homophobia. I'd go one further and throw in gender expression. How you carry yourself as a male was savaged too.
This is where the old adage, "Living well is the best revenge."
Your behavior is understandable when one has rent or a mortgage to pay, bills, food to put on the table, treats, car payments, etc. As you said, you loved the job.
Autistic Deaf social worker/psychologist Jillian Enright, founder of Neurodiversity MB, put it so well in her Medium essay, "Nobody Owes You Nice":
"Are we supposed to approach with cap in hand, like Oliver Twist, and ask 'nicely'? 'Oh, please, do stop oppressing me? I’d be ever so grateful!'"
Now I just say words like, "discrimination," "harassment," "vexatious conduct or comments," "ableism." (I was once accused on a job of ignoring someone when I did not hear them due to asymmetrical hearing loss.) Now I just say, "Your comment/behavior is unwelcome." Shuts them down real fast.
As for "tone it down" that is indirect discrimination. If a janky six-fingered plagiarism bot can understand it, HR and Legal do too. 😊 It's all part of that pattern of unwelcome comments and conduct.
Len, yes. You’re naming something here that took me longer than I’d like to admit to name for myself. “Tone it down” sounds so innocuous when you remove it from context. But when what’s being toned down is the way a queer, Deaf man moves, speaks, expresses himself, and takes up space… it stops being a neutral request pretty quickly.
And I think you’re right to add gender expression to it. Looking back, there was absolutely a very specific idea of what kind of man I was supposed to be at work, and I kept being reminded when I stepped outside it.
I’m especially glad you brought up the intersection of all of this, because that’s where next week’s essay goes. There was another experience happening at the same time that made me understand this one very differently.
Thank you for reading this so closely, Len. And for calling the thing the thing. ❤️
Wow. That’s a tough read. I know that dynamic—keep the shittiness verbal, leave the paper trail clean. It’s part of that corporate second language you mentioned. I know people who use these exact methods in my organization. They’re awful to work with/for and it’s painful to see them move into positions of authority. Not jealousy exactly, though envy might play a part. More the realization that their version of events carries more weight than yours.
Thanks for sharing your experience. Looking forward to the follow-up.
Yeah. That last part is exactly it. It’s not even just that someone can treat you badly… it’s realizing they understand the system well enough to make sure their version is the one that survives. Once you see that happening, you start second-guessing every interaction because you know the record and the reality are becoming two different things.
And I hate how many people immediately recognize this dynamic when I describe it. That might be the part that gets me most.
Thanks for reading this one, my friend. ❤️ And yeah… next week is the other half of the story.